Get Rich or Try Dancin’

When I was younger, I hated two words: “school” and “moist”. Then, during my smells-like-teen-spirit, pseudo-beatnik phase, I hated the words, “money” and “responsibility” – especially when uttered in the same sentence. Now that I’m older, and barely wiser, not to mention in much need for some minute form of cash flow, I’ve come to hate the more ubiquitous words, “economic” and “recession”. (Side note: “credit”, “crunch”, and “crisis” all fall under those categories).

Sorry, John Mayer, but I just found out there is such a thing as the real world. Hence, I’ve decided it’s time to be responsible. It is time to take control of my life – it is time, to make some money.

In my desperation, I’ve mulled over some possible career moves, and I thought, hey, what about erotic dancing? – Yee-haw.

A degree of sexiness is needed for this line of work. Over the course of my disco-hopping, nightclub-bumping career, I’ve managed to collect a manuscript’s worth of dance moves à la sexy. To be seductive, one must always remember the 3 F’s, that is, the Face, the Feet, and the Flab, where the latter, in all circumstances, should be sucked in.

Natural beauty is difficult to come by, however, the face is a malleable canvas, one in which you can appropriately distort to manifest attractiveness. For instance, pouting is great, but it’s generic. If Victoria Beckham can hold a pout everywhere she goes, it really can’t be that special. To have a salient distinction from the pack, shake it up a little bit. Do this by placing your index finger between your perched lips. It is essential that the finger rests limply, as a heavy hang will expose un-brushed molars and possible signs of tooth decay.

Like any fashionable ensemble that benefits from a mix and match of garments, utilising one’s eyes can heighten the sexiness of a dangling appendage. Personally, I like to seek out my prey, wave them down to get their attention, before swiftly captivating them with squinty eyes. The best way I can describe these eyes of magic is to pretend you’re staring through a teeny tiny hole with both eyes – Forrest Whitaker does this with one. I’m kidding.

What is erotic dancing without dance moves? The other day I was out at a bar and I saw a girl dancing to Samba. She had her own style, a square dancing-salsa hybrid, topped off with what I like to call, ‘The Helicopter’. It’s a rotating head-bang meets L’Oreal commercial move, except, much faster, performed without any regard to fellow groovers sharing the floor. All you see is a crop-circle made entirely out of hair. Cousin It does this, and looked what happened:

I’m not one for violence but if you hair-slap me again, I’m going to have to set you on fire.

The point is, if someone has to ask you what song you’re listening to while you’re dancing, it’s not a good sign. So here it is, my two cents, le piste de resistance, my diamond in the rough, the golden ticket for the non-stop express train to sexy-ville! – ‘The Dip’. Cops do this with their doughnuts, but you will do this with your ass. Before you run away, screaming with delight, the ‘dip’ isn’t a plonk. There shouldn’t be ‘toot’ sound once you get to the bottom; the only gas that should be radiating from you should begin with ‘eau de’ something. The secret to the ‘dip’ is to portray the organic slither of a snake. And as you make your ascend, think snake. Think, I’m a sexy snake. Then growl.

This move has never gone out of date. I’ve seen girls I’ve known in high school use it, and to this day, they’re still doing it. It’s great, and from personal sightings, can be applied to any genre of music. However, it is advanced choreography. As such, I suggest emulating Tina Turner. If you’re a guy, emulate Richard Simmons.

What I’m really trying to say is, times are shit. A lot of us have had to give up our dream jobs, move back in with our parents, give up cable TV, and many other frivolous social activities. Oh well. Things will get better, but at the mean time, laugh a little and do what you have to do. Shake your moneymaker, and with that, the wise words of Lady Gaga, “just dance, gonna be okay, doo-doo-dee-da-da”.